Lance BrownCreations

No, really! There are times in any committed relationship where you come to this fork in the road. You’re discouraged, and your partner probably is too, and they may not know how to communicate it. You may have already thought extensively about what it would be like to get out or be with someone else. So, pause, take a breath in, and reflect on these five core questions to guide you. Let’s do it!

First of all, if there is any physical abuse going on, you have to stop that cycle immediately. Connect with a counselor or call the crisis line immediately… You’re going to need a guide in this process.

Here are the five questions you must ask in order to get clear about next steps…

Are you in a committed relationship?

This may sound like a stupid question but it’s really important. If you have made a long-term commitment with your partner to the relationship, you’ve got to give it a shot. If it is a fluid dating relationship, even if you’ve been dating quite a while, decide if you guys haven’t made a commitment to each other. I encourage you two to work through all five of these questions, and if you feel there isn’t a long-term commitment – thank them for playing a role in your life, and then move on.

Know who you are, and where you’re going…

I really believe that there are two vital questions that you must ask in life, and they have to be in the right order. The question is… Where am I going in life, and who will go with you? If we asked the second question first, you will wander through life. You have to know what you’re missing from this relationship, or from life, in order to clearly communicate to your partner what’s missing.

Are you stuck?

Often couples encounter a blockage, just like having an artery blocked, it gets in the way of the flow of blood to the rest of the relationship. You have to know if you can work through the issue and restore the flow of blood, or if you need surgery. This is a time that you need a guide; a counselor, pastor, or healthy friend, to diagnose the problem. Reach out and be honest about what’s going on.

Do you know what your stuff is?

Everybody has issues. Out of the hundreds of couples I’ve worked with, the best ones are the ones who know their stuff and take responsibility for it. If you and your partner don’t know your stuff or one or both of you try to make each other responsible for their stuff, you’re always going to be stuck. Again, good counselor will really be helpful in this process but once you’re clear on what your stuff is, then you guys can really get somewhere.
Please read my blog about attachment distress. I think it will be very helpful in this process of identifying what you’re feeling, and what you need.

Are you ready to share your longings for the two of you with your partner?

Before you reach out make a commitment to leave anger and frustration out of the conversation. Approach them with warmth and a focus on the future, not on the past. Share with them that you genuinely want the relationship to work but need their help to do so. One thing that I have come to really believe about relationships is that people don’t resist change, they resist being changed. Ask for their help. All people will embrace change if they believe it’s in their best interest. If you’re not able to work through the blockage… Seek out a guide. A good counselor can do amazing things in your relationship if you’re willing to go all in.

Let me know if you have any questions about this and I would love to hear from you below. What do you think about the five questions?

Lance

When was the last time you sat back and appreciated something truly beautiful? I mean, stopping the often frenetic nature of our lives for five minutes to take it in, really savor something amazing. It could be spectacular scenery, a child’s learning how to use chopsticks, or how your spouse eats cereal in the morning.

Regardless of what it is, it’s the stopping that makes us human. It’s recognizing that there are things in our lives that stir our hearts deeply. And it’s also giving those things time. It doesn’t have to be an hour, just five minutes of stopping to enjoy the scenery outside your bedroom window. But taking even just five minutes requires mindfulness; recognizing the desire of your heart to enjoy true beauty.

I know you realize that there are tremendous health benefits in this kind of mindfulness. Not only lowering your heart rate and blood pressure, but also tremendous mental health benefits as well. It makes us much more present. Present to the moment, present to others, more self-aware. I know this may sound like new age BS, but it is what makes this human. And being human is a huge part of the gloriously human condition. I’d love to hear one of those five minute celebrations of beauty in your life!

My thesis: Telling, here regarded similarly as teaching, lecturing, debating, or sermonizing in order to make a point or to show a person the error of their ways is not effective or in the subject’s best interests. AND allowing the person involved to discover the error of their ways themselves is significantly better.

Of course, this does not apply to toddlers with loaded firearms in their possession or even teens when the house is on fire. If you are seeking to provide direction for a teenager, I would encourage you to contact a professional before you operate the machinery. Seek out the very best parent you can locate and sit at their feet! But generally speaking, allowing an individual to discover lessons on their own, or perhaps, with some highly evolved guidance that I will discuss in future paragraphs, is significantly more desirable.

One of my mantras that I believe applies to just about every humanoid living the gloriously human condition, that I have encountered is this, “People don’t resist change, they resist being changed. ” Think back on the last time you were lectured about something that someone wanted you to, believe, vote, for, change, or marry; how did you respond? Very often, especially if the individual on the other side of the phone is your spouse, your response will be “get off me “.

Now, if the person who is doing the telling is your boss, you may take a more passive aggressive stance on the issue, but you’re still going to resist. If you’re one of those people who simply can’t restrain themselves from a good lecture, I encourage you to evaluate what this need is costing you. Very often that person… Here I’m referring to the lecturer; may not realize that people near and dear to them maybe slowly but surely distancing from them. Or, they could be obligingly nodding their heads in fake agreement until you are distracted, enabling them to flee the area. I refer to this as the Telemarketer Syndrome. Now I’m not disparaging telemarketers, but none of the people I hang with (generally a fairly normal cross section of humanity) , enthusiastically answer the phone and when they recognize that distinctly telemarketer offer, clear their schedule so that they won’t miss one word of the conversation over the next two or three hours.

Here is a much, much better plan… And more effective approach. Ask, hang with me now, ask if the person you’re seeking to persuade, would like some input. You can save a tremendous amount of emotional and physical energy by simply asking. And if the person you are attempting to control or direct, is either a teen teenager who possesses any of your DNA or a spouse that you seek to be intimate with at any point in your future, ask yourself this question. “Is my current strategy effective?” When was the last time that person came to you and thanked you for taking the wheel in their life and encourage you to keep doing it?

I firmly believe that the most rewarding and enjoyable moments for either a spouse or parent, is to witness that look of complete disorientation when you do something they are not expecting. When you zig when they are expecting you to zag. You then have changed the script that you have been using since the dawn of time, and that dear person before you doesn’t know what to say, for the first time in their lives. You have a moment of opportunity before you… Don’t waste it.

I would love to hear your thoughts or reaction to what I’ve shared with you!

I really would!

Lance

I can’t imagine that this classic scene that we’ve always seen (above) really ever happened. I know, it’s so nice to think of icons like this in a romanticized setting but scholars believe Joseph, Mary, and newborn Jesus remained in Bethlehem at least several months before they were forced to flee to Egypt. This would’ve allowed groups from across the area who had heard the news (whether shared with them by angels or word-of-mouth) to roll by and wonder at the miracle that was unfolding in their tiny town.

These two groups do however represent the segments of people that seek Christ today. Let’s look first of all at the wise men or Magi. First of all, there were a number of things we assume about this group that the Bible passage doesn’t tell us. For example, it doesn’t tell us that there are three wise men. It just tells us that there were wise men, and they gave three gifts. And, the manger wasn’t their first stop in the area, they first came to Herod, the Roman installed King of Palestine to ask him for directions. Also, the passage doesn’t say they went to the manger. It says they went to the house to check out the Christ child. (Matthew 2:12 NLT). Jesus was actually probably several months old by the time the wise men got to Bethlehem.

But what we do know about them is that they were seekers. They put a lot of time and energy into studying the stars looking for hints to what God might be revealing to his people and wanted to learn as much as they possibly could. They also were not Jews, the Bible just says they were from the east. So they were the original outsiders, but were willing to spend a lot of time and a lot of blood sweat and tears to travel long distance to bring gifts to a godchild they knew very little of. But they were curious; they had to know, and they had to celebrate his coming.

So, as I come to the manger, when I look at the wise men, I see them represent the group of people who know a lot about religion and philosophy, but want to know more. They haven’t found all they are looking for and they know it. There is still that some thing… Someone, that they are seeking, and they are willing to do whatever it takes to find it. Little do they know that that Someone has been looking for them all their lives; has sought to know them deeply… And really cherished the fact that they put so much on the line in their seeking.

And then, there are the shepherds. Ragged, uneducated., unkempt, and probably considered unclean in Jewish temple practices. They weren’t looking for anything except a good nights sleep. They were the last group anyone in Bethlehem would have depended on for news of religious developments. I can see the shepherds, once they were able to figure out what was actually happening before them, say “OK, that’s pretty amazing, but why in the world are you telling us? No one here would believe us, even if we did spread the word. ”

That is exactly why the angels picked the shepherds. It wasn’t because they were the only ones awake, it was because they had been religious outsiders all their lives. Finding, because they had been entrusted with the most amazing news ever given to mankind, that they had incredible significance to God. I can imagine, years later, these very same shepherds, sharing the story of their encounter with the angels with anybody who would listen. And as they told that story for the 5,000th time, they got that same look back from the listener, that said, “and explain to me again why they told you of all people? “.

This is the group of people that the shepherds represent; those who have felt unacceptable or disqualified from being included in God’s family. Turned away, rejected so many times that they had finally given up on ever being enough. People who had probably already given up. And that is why, when confronted with the amazing good news of God; God showing up, and caring enough to involve them in the process, I can see their hearts leap out of their chests! Suddenly insiders for the first time, they tell everyone they possibly can… And forget, for a few minutes, where they left their sheep.

The important things for me to remember? First of al, that God shows up in crazy beautiful unexpected ways every day. I just have to have my eyes and heart open. And secondly, I am an insider. I am that shepherd that God would wake up to good news. I am that wise man who had been searching all my life for a God like this, and never expecting to find him. I’d love to hear what you think about this… And have an awe-filled Christmas.

Children of Abraham

Children of Abraham

Jews, Muslims, Christians. ALL Abrahams children. You remember Abraham. Patriarch of all three of these great religions. One family… currently divided.

The picture above is of his tomb in Hebron on the West Bank of Palestine. I have personally stood before this great holy site (Abraham’s bones are below these cenotaphs in the Cave of the Patriarchs). They reside in the Mosque of the Patriarchs. Tragically, the mosque’s walls are covered with painful reminders of the violence that has recently characterized life in Palestine. Those reminders are bullet holes from an AK 47 used by a crazed American/Israeli physician while a large crowd of Muslims were at prayer. Defenseless in their prone position, 29 were killed, and 112 were wounded.

This happened in the tomb of Abraham. Mind blowing. If there is any holier site on the planet, I can’t think what it would be. Oh, I know there is the Prophet’s Mosque in Mecca, and the Dome of the Rock in Jerusalem but this is the father of all three religions.

I have heard so many people that I respect make a sweeping judgment about this kind of violence. And of course, there are tragically so many new examples every day as we face the war in Gaza. But what I hear constantly from very bright and caring people is that nothing can be done about it. “They have always hated one another, and violence is to be expected. “

Now I don’t consider myself an expert in Middle East affairs, but I have spent 20 years working in Bethlehem and Jerusalem teaching peacemaking with groups of Jews, Muslims and Christians in the same classroom. I know the history of these three groups over the past 2000 years. There are large swaths of time where the three groups have lived side-by-side… attended each other’s children’s weddings, and mourned at each other’s funerals. Of course there have been disagreements and times of insane violence, but I believe saying it is inevitable is bullshit.

Can you imagine saying this about any other group of people in the world? You have to have a very dark view of human nature to write off such a huge segment of the world’s population like that. There are so many examples of groups of very polarized people groups who have found a way to resolve such issues and religious hatred. But almost always it requires a few deeply committed individuals who will lead and believe that change can, and will be achieved.

But this has to start with you. You are a part of this mess. One thing that we must do is each choose not to participate in polarized extreme groups that create fear and misunderstanding. I am sick and tired of national leaders; worldwide who foment fear and the belief that “we are right, and they are wrong.” We have to believe that it’s time for us to stop being afraid or hopeless./disinterested and get off our butts and become part of the solution.

No, you don’t have to jump on a plane and lead a hunger strike outside of Benjamin Netanyahu’s office door. Just start by loving your neighbor. Put a face on the people that you refer to as… those people. Move away from any candidate for office who polarizes instead of creating consensus. We need leaders who draw us together with the belief that we can change this planet. People like Nelson Mandela, like Desmond Tutu, like MLK AND your Grandfather Abraham himself. Hatred and fear are not inevitable. You have to not only believe this, but live it. I’d love to hear your thoughts, even if you’re really pissed off by what I said.

JON

I have been marinating in the beauty of aged and toothless John Adam’s heart and mind. My thanks to author David McCullough for an absolutely striking biography of the second president that has brought President Adams to life for me.

Prior to my exposure to the second president’s life story, I had been studying the faces of aging boomers. These faces seem to surround me here in Tucson and I find that their faces betray the state of their heart. Either careworn and burdened, or joyful and heading somewhere fast. It is my belief that between 55 and 60 most people make an unconscious decision internally about their life focus. They either focus on their increased pain and unmanageable life circumstances, or decide to embrace this major life passage of aging. One of my life axioms is “whatever you focus on will grow “. And then I have to decide what I want to grow in my life.

John Adams clearly made this decision as he returned to life as farmer John in Quincy, Massachusetts upon “retirement”. After serving as a thorn in the side of every member of the continental Congress and our second president, he gladly returned to his beloved farm and the slower, richer life that accompanied it. People around him would often comment about finding him studying a tiny kernel of wheat, or staring at the moon at night with a remarkable look of wonder on his face. And he would continually blurt out his life mantra, “rejoice evermore “. I find myself now channeling John Adams throughout the day… Rejoice evermore has become my mantra as well.

This new mantra is changing me incrementally. I find myself returning to my garden to sit and wonder at my Bougainvillea plant, or staring into the face of my beautiful six month old great grandson Valor. “Rejoice evermore “I can’t stop saying it, or doing it. Want to join me? I’d love to hear about it.