One thing that I observed over and over in 45 years of marriage counseling was our tendency as humans to take those closest to us for granted. If I would just say that to most couples, they would almost instinctively reject the notion, and then upon reflection, generally would acknowledge that it is true.
The old adage is, “familiarity breeds contempt.“ I’m not suggesting that we have contempt for our spouses but over time, we fail to see that person as the incredibly attractive and profoundly admired individual we once did.
Often this is because both large and small resentments can accumulate like plaque on our relational arteries. Throw in a 20 pound weight gain for either or both spouses and significant disappointments in our unrealistic expectations of the relationship and we find ourselves sleep walking our way through marriage.
When I ask couples this question, “Do you give your spouse your best every day, and if not why?“, I would get two blank looks and crickets in the background. Both spouses will usually acknowledge that it is their deepest desire to be the kind of spouse who gives their best in the marriage and desires to receive their spouse’s very best every day; but it’s the execution that suffers.
I believe the reason we don’t deliver on our promises is because our perception of that person we were excited about enough to stand before family and friends and profess our love; has eroded significantly. Generally that erosion is over time and not in just one or two significant events. It is a death by 1000 cuts. Each cut a small disappointment; he failed to notice the new haircut you had been wrestling with for months, she seems to have lost the energy to initiate sex, he treats her responsibilities around the house differently than his, she wishes he was as romantic as her best friend’s husband. All of those things build overtime to distort the image of your precious spouse. Soon, the image becomes a caricature rather than a screenshot. It happened so frequently that it’s almost predictable.
I think you know me well enough by now to know that I’m not going to give you the problem without the solution. So here it comes… it’s going to require just five minutes every morning. It’s gratitude. Gratitude for that special someone who sleeps next to you each night. But it’s not as easy as just saying “Dear God, thank you for Trudy.”
It’s taking five minutes to be specific about two or three things that she or he does that you believe are beautiful. Specifics got you in this pickle, specifics are going to get you out of it. Those three things are there if you look for them. And I want to remind you, whatever you focus on will grow. If you focus on thanking God for these things each day, they will grow and grow and grow. It requires some discipline, and maybe even some accountability with a friend or family member. Commit to do it together. Tell your friend what you’ve come up with, and that will open their eyes to their spouse and their stuff will open your eyes.
Oh, one more thing. And this is worth at least six months of marriage therapy. You do the numbers, depending on your therapists fees, probably worth about $4000… after you tell God what you’re thankful for, tell your spouse. You are the only person they are desperate to hear those things from. And when they hear those things over an extended period of time, it changes them, changes you and your marriage for the good. No charge for the secret to marriage!
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